Ok...so I really like
Wordle at the moment...it really is a lot of fun. Right now I'm kinda just in a blue funk over life. I'll get over it eventually, I always do. But until then it's gonna be pretty bad. If you see me moping around, or just avoiding people in general it's ok. I'm not angry with anyone, I'm not mad at anyone, I just need time to think and study Scripture for awhile. Over the past few weeks God has really hit me with a lot, and I've not been ready for it. It's been really hard for me to adjust to being back at school, with all the rules, all the things that I'm not allowed to do and the limits on what I can do. I thought that I could be who I am, but after a couple of talks with someone I've realized that I've got to either change who I am or I've got to change what I do while I'm at school. Either way it's going to be really hard. I know that I can change what I do temporarily - I've done it before. It's not been easy, but I've done it. I know that I can't change who I am, that only God can do that. I don't know if that's what God wants me to do or not. I'm really confused right now.
Since I've come to school I've felt very spiritual oppressed. I'm really missing the people who were here last semester who aren't back yet, like Taylor, Whitney, Judith, and Sarah. Di Iulio too, and he's not even coming back. It's been really, really rough for me and a lot of others. I've developed friendships with people that maybe I shouldn't have developed right now, but I feel like I've not done anything wrong either. My mind hasn't been this messed up since last March, and that's saying something. It took me 9 months to get over that. I can't afford 9 months this time.
God is trying to teach me something, but I'm not sure what yet. He is bringing me back through lessons and trials that I've already gone through - He is making me relive situations in my mind that I can't change, that I can't go back and undo, that I can only think about. I'm either going to go insane, or I'm going to grow from this. I want to grow from this, but it is so hard!
My prayer is that I would be clay in the Master Potter's hands, that I would be a lamb following the Shepherd, that I would be a pillar of stone in the Sculptor's hands. Do I want to ask to be broken? I've asked before...it hurt so bad. Can I go through that again? I guess that the only way that I was able to endure last time was through Christ in me - it wasn't my strength, but Christ's in me.
So many thoughts swirling around in my head...I could keep writing for hours. This will do for now, I guess. Please pray for me, pray for wisdom, pray for insights into God's word, and pray for mental clarity. This is gonna be really hard.
I love each and every one of you so much.
