Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts

Life-Thoughts

7.30.2010

It is an odd feeling to have just passed the last two CLEPs that I needed. I'm not done with my degree, but I don't have any more CLEPs. It's somewhat weird, is all. Cool, but weird.

Looking back at the last couple of years, it is slightly amazing to me to realize that in only 15 months I have earned 96 credits toward my BA in English. I have 9 more credits scheduled to finish by the end of August, and then just 18 more after that. I'm almost done. Just a couple more semesters.

It is making me think hard about what I need to do over the next months, over the next year. I'm about to jump into life, and I don't know if I'm going to be ready. Sure, I'll have my BA in English, I'll know how to write, I've had a couple of jobs, and I've had a lot of varied experience doing different things. I'm very confidant by nature - but I just don't know if I will be ready or not. And that feeling of not knowing scares me.

It comes down to just one thing, in the end. It has been God who has given me the grace to pass all my tests and get all the credits. It will be God who gives me the grace to finish. I know, although I am afraid, that it will be God who will create the opportunities for my that I need for my career. If I am listening to His guiding voice, then He will take care of me.

And that is all that matters.

Imagine:

7.18.2010

A man. Scarred and weatherworn. Clothed simply. Clean, but with dusty feet. Walking in the midst of a group of other men, distinguishable only because of the deference the others show to him. He has worked hard for most of his life, as evidenced by his muscular build. Not athletic, but sturdy and endurable. His calves are defined; he has walked the hills and rocky terrain often. Sandals, well-used, protect his feet from the road as he travels. The stamina that he demonstrates comes from a lifetime spent walking wherever he must go. Leathery skin speaks of the amount of time spent in the open air. His face is peaceful. No marks of anger crease his brow, rather, he most often smiles - easily seen at a glance. His eyes sparkle, clear and pure, reflecting the sun and yet seeming to reflect inner light as well. After a little while observing him, you see that he is teaching the other men. They hang on every word, as if in a desert, waiting for each drop of precious liquid to fall.

This man is my Lord and Savior.

This man gave His life so I could live.

This man loves me like none other

This man was of average appearance when He walked the earth.

This man is, was, and will be forever.

This is the God-Man, Jesus Christ.

To My Friends

7.15.2010

The summer is over. According to the calendar it has a couple of months left, but as far as I am concerned, the summer is over. All of the good parts - hanging out with my friends, staying up all night, no school, no worries - have had their time, and it is now time for me to start working again.

The past month-and-a-half have been amazing - possibly the best 6 weeks of my life to date. I was with people that I loved, having as much fun as humanly possible, working on a film crew, and generally enjoying life. There were moments and hours when I just needed to get away from it all, spend time by myself or other friends, and time alone with God, but the experience of being with close friends for nearly 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, was awesome. I grew really close to them, and I will always remember this summer.

Coming home was hard. Saying goodbye, not knowing for sure when I would see everyone again, not knowing if we would all ever be in the same place at the same time again, but knowing that I was going to be alone at home, was hard. I didn't say goodbye to everyone - I couldn't. So I said goodbye to a few people, and then I ran away from it all. I should have said goodbye to a few more people, but I couldn't stay any longer. I was at a point where I was either going to just leave, or stay another few hours and try not to break down for that much longer. I chose to run away, and cry on my way home in the car.

Yeah, this summer was that awesome. The tears that I shed were not tears of anger at having to end the summer, but rather tears of sadness mixed with awe at the beautiful thing that my summer had been. If I were to try to describe my summer, I wouldn't be able to do it. I can only try to paint a picture in your mind.

Imagine: Rain falling from a cloudless sky, over a plain swept with the wind, the long grass swaying back and forth. The stars filling the sky, so that everywhere you look, you see constellations and galaxies filling the heavens. Shooting stars, a wish made on every one of them. A gentle breeze kissing your skin as you lay back on a rooftop, almost asleep, but not quite. A young woman singing for her boyfriend into her phone, while walking along the canal at 2 a.m. A cyclist, riding his bike without hands so that he can play his guitar - 3 a.m. along the canal. All piled up on a single couch - meant for three people, they were five - so that they could watch a movie together. Late night walks, miles and miles out in the country - not getting back until the wee hours of the morning. Swimming in the creek, swollen by the thunderstorms - floating downstream, letting the current carry you gently.

This is just a small part of my summer, and yet, it encompasses most of what made it so special. There was the music, the movies, the talks, the things we did. Imagine, once again, all the things I just wrote about. Now add the people. Your best friends. My best friends. The people that you love. Doing all of those things, experience all of those things with them.


Caroline, Gracie, Nicky, Tyler - thanks for an awesome summer. I love you all so much.

Why the heck. Why. The heck. Yeah.

7.05.2010

All good things have to come to an end...and it is really stinking annoying when some people try to end the goodness early. They suck. They really do.

What is the meaning of life? Why the heck do I always come back to the meaning of life when I am depressed? Wouldn't it just be lovely if there weren't any jerks in this world?  If there weren't any jerks, then I wouldn't get ticked off...

So this song that I am listening to right now kinda fits my mood...

Don't wake me
Cause I don't wanna leave this dream
Don't wake me
Cause I never seem to stay asleep enough
When it's you I'm dreaming of
I don't wanna wake up

Don't wake me
We're together just you and me
Don't wake me
Cause we're happy like we used to be
I know I've gotta let you go
But don't wake me
Yeah...I feel like this summer has been kinda a dream, and it's time to wake up. Yeah.

Without Fear

6.27.2010


When I think about what my life means
When I look at the stars in the sky
When I contemplate the rain that falls
When I wonder as I wander along the road

Then I know, that only this I know
That all I know, is meaningless unless
With all that I know, I seek to live
My life for my Savior - He is my all

I look around and all that I can see
Is Your face, You are looking down at me
As You look down from on high
I feel Your love, pouring over me as a flood

Your grace has filled me, my cup runs over
Your love completes me, I lack nothing
Your faith is steadfast, never ending and forever
Your Son is the Christ, Jesus Christ, the truth.

May the truth remain
May I proclaim the truth from the high places
May I proclaim truth to the whole world
May I proclaim truth - and never know fear.

A Couple Thoughts

The days are just flying by like a dream...one after another, each special in its own way, each connected, and each has made itself memorable to me. I'm high on life...I think I'm figuring out liberty...and the pursuit of happiness is going just dandy. Life is good.

I'm going to look back on this summer with longing, I'm sure...right now, I'm just happy to be where I am, doing what I'm doing. God is making a lot of things make sense. I talked with my mom and dad today - about staying at Verity, going distance, or even quitting Verity and just getting my degree through Thomas Edison. They want me to go distance, so that's what I'm going to do. I'm looking forward to getting a job. I've honestly missed working. I think that is something that a man needs. Work is vital to a man's sense of providing, and it builds character...yeah.

I'm going to keep it short tonight. I love all of you. G'night.

Awesome God

6.23.2010

I'm sitting on a bench in the park - it is the first time that I have been outside today. It's a little warm, but not uncomfortably so, and there is a cool breeze blowing. It has been a dull day, without much to differentiate this day from any other. I have been thinking a lot today - more than usual.

What is it that makes me different than the people that I learn from? Am I nothing more than the sum of my parts? Or am a a new creation, altogether different because of the conglomeration of teachers that I have had? I am unique in Christ - but what does that mean?

I know that I am unlike any other person - I am unique. At the same time, I have a lot of the same character traits of my grandfather, I look like my mom and dad, and much of what I believe has been taught to me. Very little of what I know did I discover for myself. The same things could probably be said of every person on Earth. So am I really that different?

Am i special? If I am more than the sum of my parts, then yes, I am special. If I am not, then I and everyone that I know are in essence the same. I believe that not only am I greater than what I am made of, but that God has a specific purpose for me. That makes me special.

Everyone is special, I suppose...Do you know the line that goes: "I'm unique - just like everyone else!"? It's cheesy, but in essence it is true. God has made each person in the same way - we are each sculpted by our surroundings, by the people that He has put us with, and even the DNA that we are made of is not a pure strain from one person. Yet, in the similarity lies the differences. All of the little factors that make up the whole make each of us different.

I am humbled by the greatness of my Heavenly Father...that He would create me...

May I always be His servant.

Above All

Thoughts of many things fill my mind
Thoughts of people, places, time
Thoughts of what is, what was, what will be
Thoughts of many things fill my mind.

Dreaming of what might be someday
Dreaming of what I should do today
Dreaming of what I wish had happened
Dreaming of what I pray will be.

Truth is what drives me, I'm searching for it
Truth is what keeps me going, when I am discouraged
Truth is what soothes my mind, when I am confused
Truth is what drives me -- so I'm searching.

Only one thing I know for sure
Only one thing is absolute
Only one thing is forever
Only one thing is always there.

Christ is King of my life
Christ is the Lord of all
Christ is my Savior
Christ -- He is my all.

Caroline

6.21.2010

Caroline sits next to me, writing away on her computer, as I write this post about her. she writes about me, and I am actually pretty interested in what she has to say. I don't know the style of what she is going to write, I don't know what words she will use, and I don't even have a clue as to how long it will be. I am amused by the look on her face as she asks me, "so what am I writing?" I laugh inside.

We are listening to the music that is streaming from my blog...it amuses me that it is mostly love songs that are playing currently. I am easily amused - but that is beside the point. I'm not talking about myself, but about Caroline.

Reddish-brown hair covers her head, curly and somewhat unruly due to the humidity and the rain. Over the past few days, Caroline and I have spent a lot of time outside. Her eyes are green, her skin white, and she doesn't tan easily at all. She is a lot of fun to hang out with, and an awesome friend.

We really don't have much to do right now. Technically, it is after curfew, but the film crew won't be back for another couple of hours so curfew isn't that important. Chuck is sitting at his computer in the background.

A little while ago Caroline and I danced to a couple songs - we are waiting until we can dance on the roof later. Caroline's eyes are going back and forth from being wide open, staring at the screen of her MacBook, to squinting and thinking about what she is going to write next.


Caroline doesn't like to wear skirts. She always wears pants underneath her skirt, when she has to wear one, and apparently takes every available opportunity to wear only the pants.

She is someone who is easily misunderstood, I think, and I am grateful that I have had the opportunity to learn who she really is - not form an opinion on her based on just what I notice and what other people notice. Caroline doesn't remind me of anyone else. Most people that I know have parallels to each other in one way or another. Caroline is different, in a really awesome way. I wouldn't have been able to know her the way that I do if I hadn't swallowed my fears and asked her some deep questions, though. I was afraid that we had unresolvable difference in our beliefs. I was wrong, and I am grateful for that.

I am looking forward to the next three weeks with Caroline...late nights, too much coffee, swing dancing, watching movies, and generally having fun in and around working on the movie.

I'm done with this blog post, but I don't think that Caroline is done writing her post about me. I hope we will go up on the roof again tonight...I need some garlic to repel those nasty little bloodsuckers, though. I feel as if I am being drained of all the blood in my body, drop by drop...

Lost inside...

6.20.2010

The past week has been pretty rough for me, for some reason. For the longest time, I couldn't think of why. I'm where I want to be, doing what I want to be doing, with the people that I want to be doing it with. So why am I feeling so down?

Over the past couple of days, I've slowly been figuring it out. It's because I'm torn. I'm torn between what I really believe, and what I think I believe. I'm torn between what I am, and what I should be. I'm torn between the people that I love. I'm torn between love and like. I'm torn between respect and emotions.

I've decided that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is overrated. It's all well and good, but what is life? It happens. Living is just something that I do. Liberty isn't freedom. It's restriction. And I'm having a hard time with that right now. The pursuit of happiness is only worthwhile if I can actually get what I'm pursuing - and I can't right now. It wouldn't be right, it wouldn't be honorable, and it's not what God wants me to do.

I've decided that I'm gonna have to trust God completely for the answers. I don't know what I'm thinking right now. I'm very confused. I know that I can only look to Christ for wisdom and guidance.

To Live Is Christ -- To Die Is Gain

6.01.2010

Beloved of Christ, I am adopted
I am the brother of Christ -- adopted
Into the family of God, I desire
Only to do the will of my Father, who is wiser
And to see His Kingdom come on Earth,
His Kingdom come on Earth just like
His Kingdom in Heaven -- Your Kingdom come.

One day I'm gonna see the Christ -- God-Man
And Savior of the whole world, crucified
But risen again -- He's coming in glory
The risen Lamb, the King of Justice, King
Over all that is, over all that was, will be
King on a white horse, robe dipped on blood -- red
With blood. His name written down, Lord of Lords.

He is my King, He's coming again in glory
Flaming sword at His side, proclaiming justice
To the whe world, Yes the whole world
They shall see His judgment come, poured
Out, poured out on mankind, on those
Whose names are not written in the Book
The Book of Life is my ticket home.

My home is with God, His home is here
When He cleanses the Earth, cleansing with fire
When the seas are gone, the ocean is no more
Jerusalem comes down, the Father too -- dwell
With mankind -- His creation. His creation of love.
Sun, moon, and stars -- their light is not needed
The glory of God -- He as a light shining.

Christ is coming again, coming again in glory
I want to see that day, hear those trumpets
What God has for me until then is this:
He wants me to proclaim Truth -- the Truth
His Wors is Truth, Jesus is the Word, so
The God-Man I will proclaim. My life is His,
I've given it over, I will live until I die
          For Him.

peace-flow

5.17.2010

when all around me is crashing like waves against a cliff, when the stress is too much for me to handle on my own -- God I look to You. when everything seems like a storm, lightning and thunder and tornado and like a hurricane in my soul, You alone can give me peace. Peace like a river can consume my soul, peace like still waters and green pastures. though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, because you are with me. When I am falsely accused I will not fear justice, because You are the justice-giver, great God Almighty. I love You and serve You and You alone, You will protect me, Your rod and staff will comfort me and they will indeed provide the security to give me peace for my soul. You fill my cup and it runs over with Your grace and goodness to me, Your promises are everlasting, Almighty and True is Your Word, I love my great and all-powerful God, great and awesome is He. One day He is coming again, until that day I will wait, looking forward to it with Joy and longing. You grant me Your peace, Your promise I claim as mine. When I feel as though I'm on a tempest tossed ocean, all alone, You cover me and lift me with Your hand, and I can feel peace. Peace in Your word, peace through Your promises, peace through Your Son -- and peace through the Holy Spirit, messenger of God given to me. Peace like a quiet rain, peace like a mother's touch, peace like a gentle breeze blowing, peace like a calm lake at sunrise. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Glory Revealed

5.14.2010

Sometimes I wake up early in the morning
I see the sun rising, in all of its glory
Shining brightly, spreading light throughout the heaven
It shouts His glory and His praise -- Creator God

Late at night, when I look to the stars above
I see the handiwork of the Mighty One
Lord of all His creation -- Loving Father
If I did not speak in praise, stones would cry out!

The green grass growing, blue water swiftly flowing
Stately oaks, majestic elms, great sequoias
A whisper, a shout, a song -- You brought them forth
Ex nihilim -- out of nothing You created all

I laugh when I feel the rain fall on my skin
Thank You for Your promise -- rainbow in heaven
I swim in the river, then bask in the sun
Your glory, explained by the light of Your Word

     All points to You -- the Creator and Maker
     Heaven and Earth bow down
     Declaring Your praises
     Here below.

Deep Thoughts...Deep Prayer...Hard Battle

5.02.2010

It sucks when spiritual warfare hits close. I mean, it's what I've been asking God to do with my life. It's what God wants me to do with my life. Preaching the truth to the world, no matter what the cost, no matter what the price. But it's hard, and it hurts, when your own friends are the one's you have to fight. God, give me strength and grace. I can't do this.

When the truth comes out before my eyes
And it's not what I thought it would be
When the truth comes out, and it's all lies
God, what do I do? Only You, not Me
Can help me now, I'm hurt and weary.

What can I say, what can I do?
Spiritual battle is Your will for me, I know
Your Word I'll say, 'cuz Your Word is true
Jesus Christ is the way, the truth, You show
Your love through Him, He was brought low.

Your love, Your peace, Your grace
Are the only things that keep me going
I'll fight the fight, I'll run that race
With power, because You are showing
Me the straight and narrow path to tread.

Glory to God, King of Kings
Ashle-Deio, Your will work in me
Undule-Sheio, to You the choir sings
Beautiful Savior, You died so I am free
To worship You, and live with You, in glory.

Come quickly, Christ Jesus, come marry Your bride
I'm impatient, I know, and I'll wait if I must
You've got things for me to conquer, like my pride
God, I'm ready. So can't you just
Come now? Why wait? God, I'm ready.

I'm ready for Your return, Christ Jesus. Come quickly.

[Amani Salvadori]

4.27.2010

When the fires in my life are raging,
When they are too big for me to control,
     Where should I go?
     Where should I look?
     What should I do?

If I'm trusting in myself, I'm lost,
If I'm thinking I can handle it, I lie,
     Where should I go?
     Where should I look?
     What should I do?

God, what can I do? I'm so pathetic.
I'm lost on my own, only You can save me.
     I'm coming to You.
     I'm looking to You.
     I'm doing Your will.

You have put out all the fires in my stead,
You sent Your Son, to pay the cost - covered me.
     I'm safe with You.
     I'm free with You.
     I'm secure in You.

God I don't want to be stupid, really...
From now on, I'm just gonna do Your will.

Heart Cry

4.22.2010

Heavenly Father, Almighty God
Holy Spirit, Dwell in me
Christ Jesus, come quickly

Heavenly Father, Powerful Maker
Holy Spirit, fill my life
Come quickly, Christ Jesus

Heavenly Father, God Most High
Holy Spirit, live in me
Christ Jesus, come quickly

I want to see you ride, Holy Christ
My Savior, the Living God
Come quickly, Risen King

You are coming again, Bright and Glorious
Savior of the World, Groom to the Bride
Risen King, come quickly

One day I will see Your face
Savior of my soul, Great Judge
Come quickly, Risen King

He is coming for His Bride, the Church
I am one of His sons, His child
Son of God, care for me

One of His chosen, called His by name
I speak the truth, proclaim it to the world
Care for me, Son of God

No matter what comes, I look ahead
Looking forward to Christ's return, that Holy day
Son of God, care for me

For now I will wait, I will be content
With where I am, with what God wants
Lamb of God, lead me

I will follow His will, work for His glory
Moment by moment seeking, acting in God's will
Lead me, Lamb of God

Christ before, behind, and all around me
I fear no evil, because He is with me
Lamb of God, lead me

Come quickly Christ Jesus, Savior, Messiah
My life is His, it's Christ's alone
In Faith alone, will I live

Lamb of God, Prince of Peace, Almighty Judge
Take my life, as an instrument of Your will
I will live by Grace alone

Almighty God, Maker of Heaven, Creator of Earth
Nothing and no one else satisfies my soul
Because of Christ alone, will I live.

Freaked Out - Restored

4.20.2010

Woke up one morning, in a cold sweat
Heart racing, blood pumping, I was
Totally freaked out. At what I had
Seen, 'cuz it was me, but doing things
And living a life I thought was over.

My God saved me - this I know
Took my sins, and washed me white as snow
I no longer live that life, My God
He saved my life, I don't need to
Freak out - I'm just gonna have some Jesus time.

That's what I like about God's Word
His Word heals, restores, brings peace to me
There are green pastures there, He leads me to
Still waters, He makes my soul feel new
Psalm 23 - read it man. It's good.

Spirit to Spirit...

So lately I've been writing song lyrics/poetry, whatever you like to call it. It's been really cool to me to see how God gives me these things to write down. I'm going to start sharing some of it on here.

Who leads me by still waters,
    restores my soul?
He who created me, breathed me,
    made me whole.
The Lord God Almighty,
    why should He -
Creator-God, Majestic,
    untethered, free -
Bind Himself to be like me,
    born as a man?
Taking on body and flesh,
    child of a woman.
Eternal Father, watching Son on Earth
    grow, with love.
Into a man, strong, powerful -
    Father sent a dove
To declare the Man, Jesus,
    His only Son.
Baptized in water, now sweating blood,
    "Thy will be done"
Jesus prayed, as in Gethsemane,
    He sweated in agony.
The priests came, the soldiers too,
    hung Him on that tree.
Son of God, He is my love,
    Who died in love for me.
One day I'll see Him again
    He is coming to see
The outcome of His Sacrifice of love
    His blood poured out
            On me.

Randomishness Stuff

4.17.2010

Today has really been just an off day. I've felt like crap due to allergies/being a little sick, I'm exhausted, I've been spiritually attacked all day, and it's just been a pretty draining day. Looking back on why it's been so hard today, I've realized that a large part of it, probably the greatest part of my problem, is that for the past few days I haven't been seeking God. I've been praying, but I haven't been seeking Him. I've slacked off in my Bible reading, and I've been just coasting "on my reserves." That's a really bad place to be. I'm rather fed up with myself because of it. Because I haven't been seeking Christ diligently, I've been weak and succumbed to spiritual attack. I've repented and renounced my sin before God, and I'm not going to go down that path again, but I'm fed up with who I am.

My prayer is that God would change me. I've been coasting in between lessons for a little while now, and I need God to teach me again. I've been learning from Him, but I need Him to change my life yet again, for His glory and my good. I know it will be hard, but that's what I need.

On a slightly different note, I'm just going to put out my ideas about church briefly. First, I believe that the church is the body of believers in the Lord Jesus Christ. It's not about the building, the denomination, or set of doctrine that any group believes in. It's the body of believers around the world that all claim the risen Christ as Savior. I also believe that the act of going to church is for the purpose of fellowship with the church - fellowship with other believers. A belief that follows from this is my belief that church can happen anywhere that a group of believers gathers. Fellowship between believers constitutes church. I believe that teaching is good, but that is not the point of church. The main point of church is for believers to come together in Christian fellowship and in worship and praise of our God.

I don't know if I will ever be a part of a church where everybody believes what I do. I doubt it. I know that someday I will probably have to settle in one church that I mostly agree with, but I think that it is a sad thing that the church is so split today. Denominations may serve some purpose, but personally, I think that God doesn't like them. The church is His bride that He is coming to claim soon, and if all of these different denominations are quarreling and arguing over differing beliefs, how does that show unity? There is only one bride, not many.

There are so many things that I am pondering...good things, but hard things. Maybe I'm being a little pessimistic here, but I almost feel as if things have been going to smoothly and too easily for too long. I just know something is gonna happen soon...I just pray that it would be something that God will teach me through, and that He would give me the grace to learn what He has for me to learn.

I love all of you so much...I miss my friends back home, but I'm also going to miss everybody here at school when you all leave this summer. I'm praying for all of you.

He is Risen!

4.04.2010

He is risen indeed! I'm still up in Michigan at the Knudsen's, but yesterday I felt that God wanted me to just stay here and not go to church this morning. So instead of going to church with everyone, I just stayed here, read the Psalms and Proverb of the day, went on a walk, read through the resurrection accounts in the Gospels, and continued reading in Revelation. Spent some time in pray and just listening to God. It was good. I think that doing something like this is a big thing that I missed at the beginning of last semester - I didn't go into the semester having sought God, and just spent some time alone with Him, seeking Him.

I'm really looking forward to this summer. I mean, this next semester is going to be really cool - God has given me a lot of motivation and excitement for what He is going to teach me, and just for my studies, but when I look forward to working on the movie this summer, I am filled with joy. I finally am sure that it is what God is wanting me to do, and I am content with the fact that I probably won't be going back to school for the summer semester.

In regards to going back to school in August: I've been praying about finances and God providing for that for awhile, but today I just asked God to speak to me. He did, and gave me peace about not worrying about it. He didn't say that I would be going back - in fact I don't think that I will be going back - but I know that He wants me to work on this film, and not worry about finances. I love the feeling that accompanies being in God's will - I truly "taste and see that the Lord is good."

God bless all of you this Easter!


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